In May, our youngest, Kate, graduated from the 8th grade. Kate did awesome, and we are so proud of her. When Kate received her 8th grade diploma this represented the end of 8 consecutive years between our 3 girls of middle school. Wow – that is a lot of middle school! Lisa bought me a trophy that said, “Congratulations on surviving 8 years of middle school.” 🙂
Middle school is such a unique time in life. I bet many of us can look back at middle school being one of the hardest times in our life. Elementary school is so fun and essentially an easier, more compassionate time. High school is filled with more independence like driving, jobs, sports, friends and focusing on college or what’s next in life. But, middle school. Oh, middle school. Your body is changing, you are awkward, you struggle with hormones, you discover the opposite sex and constantly wonder what in the world is happening. Middle school is that incredible tension of moving from dependence to independence with no clue as to how to do it.
I remember the principal at the middle school telling the parents when Grace, our oldest daughter, first entered 6th grade. He said, “Parents, your child is coming in as a puppy dog – sweet, loyal, they want to cuddle, but now in middle school, they will become a cat.” A cat! “Yes, he said – they will run away from you, are prickly about everything, and you will be the one constantly wondering what is happening.” But, he said, “Don’t worry they will become a dog again one day.” Wow – now, that is encouraging.
Having been a Student Pastor for 10 years, I knew he was right in some ways. Our kids will definitely change in these formidable years. I knew they had a hard time trying to figure out how to relate to everyone from friends to the opposite sex and even to their own parents. What I saw as a student pastor, and what I learned as a parent, is that this is maybe the most crucial time in a child’s life, and they need their parents, grandparents and God more than ever.
Here are a few tips to not only Survive Middle School but even to help kids Thrive in this time:
1. Don’t ride the Roller Coaster. There will be a wave of emotions with your student between 6th grade and 8th grade and every day can feel like a roller coaster ride. They don’t want to go to school in the morning, then they do well on a test and they are happy again, but then someone posts something cryptic and their world falls apart again. Their mind is expanding, their body is changing and their hormones are going wild. Every day the highs are exceptionally high and the lows are rock-bottom low. We all know that not everything is the end of the world. They will get past, learn and grow. We know this, but they don’t. Love them through the highs and the lows. I made it a discipline to tell my kids I love them every single day. Regardless of where you are on the ride, let them know you love them and you are there for them.
2. Help kids find their Identity in Jesus. Middle School is the time when kids are looking for their identity. They look to friends, celebrities, social media and more. Help them find their identity in Christ, and in Christ alone. Having spiritual conversations is important. Sometimes they don’t want to talk, but they will listen. When you are driving them to church, school or sports, capture this time to speak truth and blessing over them. Give them books to read that help them find their identity in Jesus (I pay my kids to read books – best $20 I spend). 🙂 Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is the only constant in their changing world. Give them a spiritual foundation in these years and it will last them a lifetime.
3. Kids need a Parent, not just a Friend. So many parents want their child to be their friend. This can happen over time, but in these years they still need a parent. Kids can find friends (and friends in these years come and go), but they desperately need a parent in their life. So many parents just want their child to like them as a friend – maybe more for the parent than the child. Don’t let your child control you emotionally. Be strong. Statistically, parents are still the most important influence in a child’s life through the age of 18. Being a parent is so challenging, and yet most important of all at this stage.
4. Staying involved in church matters. These are the years that some kids, like a cat, will push away from things in their life. Don’t let them. Some will say, “I don’t want to go to church.” When they say this, they are just testing to see if this is your priority. If you give in, then it is obviously not. They need God desperately in their life. And, they need other godly adults speaking into their life besides just you. Another adult can say the same thing that you, their parent said, but they will think the other adult is so wise. Hmmm. Be sure they are around godly adults. This is why church is so important with student pastors and small group leaders. They need church desperately, and so do you. This is a battle worth fighting.
5. Children need boundaries. As middle schoolers struggle to move from dependence to independence, they need to know where the boundaries are. Whether it is a curfew at night, homework, time on screens, etc., this is the time you are expanding those boundaries. You have to be clear about your boundaries and expectations or they will go off the rails. Even though they will push back on this, they really want to know. Choose your battles wisely – hair, clothes, music, friends, but there are battles and boundaries that you need to set. If a child does something incredibly wrong then it is not just their fault, but ours as well. They need to know.
6. Take kids to counseling when needed. I can’t imagine being a teenager in the world today. Social media has changed everything. Please don’t give your child social media in middle school. But, if you have and the toothpaste is out of the tube, then monitor it closely. Whether it is social media, struggling with friends or grades, this is such a dynamic time in their life. If things become really out of control, please be open to taking them to counseling. Whether at church, the Refuge Center, Daystar, etc., there are incredible local professionals that can help. If you are desperate and don’t have the money, let me know and I will help.
7. Prayer works. Pray every day for them – and for you. Pray God would protect their hearts and minds and pray God will give you the wisdom to parent. I pray over my children every night. This is a priority. Prayer must be a priority every day, especially in these middle school years.
Just know I am praying for you all! These can be great years, but also turbulent years. Stay strong and stay faithful. Always know God is with you, and He loves your child even more than you do. I want to be a great parent! Navigating your child through these years is your greatest joy and challenge. Allow God to be the center of your heart and your family, and you will thrive.
We have one in college who is thriving – praise God! So, always remember, your little puppy dog will come home. 🙂